Toward Self Identity

By: Beth Duncan

Are you a mother of children who are shorter than you are? Or do you know someone who is cleaning up after kids this size? Then this advice is for you.

I have been struggling with the whole self identity concept for a while. Most days it feels like all I do is manage children; there is not even time to think of my existence apart from them. It feels like, through the years, with each subsequent child, my identity has been erased a little more and theirs were penciled in on top of mine.

By far the most monotonous and time-consuming part of this management of the children involves cleaning. Some days I am overwhelmed with the cleaning—I can’t escape the messes to find refuge anywhere because, alas, in every room the messes catch my eye and call my name. It was for days like this that the “silent butler” was employed in our home. I love her. And I’ll tell you right up front that she is FREE.

Here’s how it works: The children have been at it all day, storming through the house like little tornadoes. They whip things out in every room, strew them around, and then move on. Do you have that tornado image down? You may have your own little tornadoes and have had bad weather days as well. Ok.

You then announce that the “silent butler” will be coming in 10 minutes! The first time you will have to explain that the “silent butler” is mommy, walking around with a big bag, silently picking up everything that is left behind. The things picked up will be kept up in the top of Mommy’s closet for 2 days. They have ten minutes (or more if the mess is massive, but not too long or they won’t work efficiently) to pick up the things that are important to them. The things have to be brought to their rooms and put away neatly somewhere out of the butler’s sight.
As the butler walks around with the bag, she doesn’t engage in any arguing, warning, or explaining. She simply picks up everything, no matter what it is, and puts it all together in a bag. Once items are in the bag, they absolutely cannot be removed.

It’s easy to be the butler. It’s fun too. The kids hate it; it’s actually a little scary for them. But as much stress as those tornadoes bring in my life, I believe that a little scaring is good for them.

And about 90% of the time, they don’t even ask for the confiscated items in 2 days. After a while, I go through the bags and decide what to give away to Salvation Army and what could be stored for awhile (a toy stored for six months or so suddenly seems like a “new” toy when you give it back to them). All and all it’s a great system—great for my sanity, which is also a step in the direction of rediscovering my identity…some day.